The Gnaughty GnomeSCENE 1The stage is pitch black. Centre stage is a bed, and Father Christmas is in it, dressed in a long white nightshirt with a red nightcap on his head. Sounds emanate from the bed - snores and creaking springs. A telephone jangles. Father Christmas stirs, grunts, turns over and ignores it. But it keeps ringing. Eventually Father Christmas sits up grumbling and muttering, turns on a small bedside light and then answers the telephone. | |
| Father Christmas | "Look, I thought I told you, all last minute requests for gifts should be made to Lapland 998. Honestly, this is the one night of the year when I need some sleep; some of us have to work tomorrow. What?... What's that you say?... Early morning call ...... What time is it? ........ half past five, half past five. I never get up till ten o'clock. Look, I never asked for an early morning call. Who asked? ...Oh, never mind, I'm awake now. Thank you very much I don't think. Goodbye". He puts the 'phone down noisily, stretches, yawns, makes as if to get up, then thinks better of it and snuggles back into bed. He is just about to turn the light off when a door left bursts open and two children burst in. The children are called Sally and Tom. |
| Sally | "Santa, Santa, wake up". |
| Tom | "Come on Santa, we've been up for hours". |
| Sally | "Please wake up Santa". |
| Father Christmas | "I am awake you noisy nasty people. Fat chance anyone gets of sleeping round here ... bells ringing, people bursting into your bedroom". |
| Sally | "We're sorry Santa, but it is Christmas Eve". |
| Tom | "And you did say we had to have an early start". |
| Father Christmas | "Early means 9 o'clock, or half past, or even quarter to ten. It's still the middle of the blooming night! |
| Sally | "But we've got to get all the way to xxxxx (enter the name of your town here) and there's hundreds and hundreds of presents to deliver and..." |
| Father Christmas | "All right, all right. I'm awake; what's the weather like? If it's cold, I'm not going, and if it's raining, I'm not going, and if it's windy, I'm not going, and if..." |
| Tom | "It's lovely, it's a beautiful starlit night". |
| Father Christmas | "I don't like stars. I like street lights, and sunshine. Let's wait till it gets lighter; I'm going back to bed". |
| Sally | "No, no, please Santa, please let's get going". |
| Tom | "We've got to hurry before ....." |
| Sally | "Shush, we said we wouldn't say anything about that". |
| Father Christmas | "Before - before what - wouldn't say anything about what?" |
| Tom | "It's just that; well, it's just that.... ". |
| Father Christmas | "It's just what? For heaven's sake, it's too early in the morning for guessing games". |
| Sally | "It's just that we received a peculiar letter from 'you know who'". |
| Father Christmas | "You know who, you know who. No, I do not know 'you know who'". |
| Tom | You do know .... G.G.". |
| Father Christmas | "G.G? What have horses got to do with it? Will someone please tell me what you two are babbling about?" |
| Sally | "The Gnaughty Gnome". |
| Father Christmas | "What? Him? That little whippersnapper? What's he been doing eh? Needs his hide tanned he does. Well, what's he want?" |
| Tom | "He sent you a note. It says 'Dear Old Red Riding Hood. It's time you retired from the parcel post. Let's face it, you're past it and so are your reindeer. I and my assistant, D. Dwarf, intend to take over your business, and modernise it completely, using a computer based information gathering service and delivery by motorcycle, car, light aeroplane or hovercraft. Furthermore....." |
| Father Christmas | "I've heard enough. If he wants to put up with this charging about, squeezing up and down chimneys, suffering chilblains and near frostbite, eating enough mince pies to give you indigestion for the rest of the year, then let him, that's what I say. Good. Excellent. I can go back to bed. Goodnight". He goes back to bed muttering 'computers, motorcycles, Red Riding Hood, Old Red Riding Hood etc' |
| Sally | "Santa, you're not serious. You can't let him do that". |
| Tom | "Not the Gnaughty Gnome". |
| Father Christmas | "Not serious? Not serious? Of course I'm blooming serious. You just watch how blooming serious I am." (He gets back into bed). |
| Sally | "But it won't be the same if YOU don't take the Christmas presents." |
| Tom | "Anyway, you know what he's like, he'll mess everything up. Dads will be getting fluffy nightdresses. Mums will get footballs. Boys will have Sindy dolls." |
| Sally | "And girls will get handkerchiefs and socks." |
| Father Christmas | "I don't care." |
| Sally | "Come on Father Christmas, you can't let him get away with it. Please, please Santa ....." |
| Tom | "Come on Sally, it's not worth it. He's too old and too scared." |
| Sally | "Shush Tom. Don't be so rude." At this Father Christmas sits up. |
| Father Christmas | "Too old and scared. What have I got to be scared about eh?" |
| Sally | "Nothing Santa, he didn't mean anything, did you Tom?" |
| Tom | "Yes I did. He's frightened of what the Gnaughty Gnome will do if we try to deliver the presents this year." |
| Father Christmas | "Oh yes? And what, may I ask, has that little squirt promised to do?" |
| Tom | "He says in his letter, which you didn't let me finish; he says that if you do try to deliver your presents, he'll stop you getting through." |
| Father Christmas | "Stop me getting through? I'd like to see him try. Nobody has ever stopped me delivering presents. HHHHmmmmppphhh! I'd just like to see him try, that's all." |
| Tom | "The only way you'll see is to load our sleigh and set out." |
| Father Christmas | "Well, what are you standing there for? Let's get a move on. Sally, go and get the reindeer harnessed and ready to go. Tom, make sure all the presents are on the sleigh. Check the last minute gifts department, you know what the people in xxxxxxxx are like - always leaving things to the last minute. I'll see you outside in a couple of ticks... now, where's me thermal vest?" |
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SONG - FA LA HEY HO | |